


punisher

by daykid



Series: garden song [2]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drabble, M/M, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-17 16:13:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28727904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daykid/pseuds/daykid
Summary: The question is simple, really. What's it like living like this? Honestly, Vernon wants to smack his head into the nearest wall, feel his skull break on impact. His teacher told him that it takes about 2,300 newtons of force, impossible for him to do on his own, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't try.
Relationships: Boo Seungkwan/Chwe Hansol | Vernon
Series: garden song [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2017589
Kudos: 27





	punisher

**Author's Note:**

> just wrote this at 2am as a brain dump don't expect too much
> 
> cw drowning ment near the end, implication of mental illness

The question is simple, really. What's it like living like this? Honestly, Vernon wants to smack his head into the nearest wall, feel his skull break on impact. His teacher told him that it takes about 2,300 newtons of force, impossible for him to do on his own, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't try.

The answer is simple. Vernon is tired.

Sleeping is easy. It's like clockwork. Stay still long enough in bed and the next moment you open your eyes, the world is burning. His dream takes place in a forest. It's a desert, sometimes, or a city. And it's on fire. It's tall trees standing in proclamation and it's jetsam over the edge of a sinking ship.

Vernon tries to run to the edge of the world, just to feel something. What's it like not knowing? What's it like, living like this?

At the end of the earth there's a boy laying in the sand. Vernon could compare him to angels and gods if he wanted to but Seungkwan is real, and that kind of beauty was better than anything of his imagination.

He’ll pretend, sometimes, what it's like to love Seungkwan. He follows him back to the center of the earth, they dig for jewelry in caves and fall asleep in old treehouses. Seungkwan always has places to be, he likes being helpful. He’s the center of Vernon’s world, sometimes. Can’t help that gravitational pull like relapsing. Seungkwan is addicting.

He loves him in whispers.

“Just because the sun doesn't speak does not mean we can't feel it's warmth.”

Seungkwan understands.

“But if I asked you to love me loudly,” he says, “would you do that?”

“I would,” is Vernon’s reply. “For you.”

“I won't ask that of you. I can’t.”

“But you could.”

There's another world that isn't on fire. One where the buildings are tall, instead of trees, and the air is heavy with dust. When Vernon wakes up, it’s already dark outside.

He can’t make sense of how he feels. There’s just too many emotions. They swirl around in his head, a beehive. His head hurts. Sleeping is easy. Being awake is harder. Getting out of bed is harder. In his dreams the world hasn’t ended yet. He can still wake up. He can still love Seungkwan without having to love him at all.

He should call. He just has to get out of bed. He needs to pick up the phone, or at least take a shower.

It's just that Seungkwan feels like the right person at the wrong time.

He could never love this. Vernon hasn’t eaten anything in a few days. His bladder might explode if he doesn’t get out of bed soon. He should just go to sleep. He won’t feel hungry, then, and the bathroom issue can wait.

Seungkwan wouldn’t do this. He has places he needs to go to, and people always want to see him. When’s the last time Vernon recurved a call from a friend? It has to be a least a week. He doesn't know for sure, he hasn't checked his phone.

He can't make Seungkwan his bandaid. There's an open wound the size of his heart in his head and it’s filled with REM cycles. Vernon should just tell Seungkwan already. He’s probably wondering why he hasn’t gotten back to him in a while.

It’s just hard to talk. It’s hard to express everything that’s going on. Overwhelmingly negative, bad thoughts, mostly. A definition is unattainable. The feelings he holds are at a loss.

What does he want from love, really? That it’s sweet? Saccharine and easy to digest. No, wants it to ache just a little bit. He wants it to be big enough to devour him, big enough to break ordinary routine. He wants love to make him want to get out of bed tomorrow. He needs to slay that dragon to survive anyways.

The fear of being unknown pales in comparison to the sheer, visceral need to be seen and understood, to have Seungkwan trace the secrets buried under his skin. But he just can’t put that into words.

“You look tired.”

“Right.”

“Have you been sleeping well lately?”

Vernon just wants to be honest. He could tell him now, say _I’ve seen the boy I love in my dreams. He looks a lot like you. He looks a lot like you._

“A bit too much.”

“I see. Have you eaten today?”

“No.”

“Yesterday?”

A pause.

“I wasn’t hungry.”

“Okay, okay. Let’s get you out of bed, first.”

The world is on fire. He can feel that much. It’s the sun, keeping him alive. The flames, hot on his skin, reminding him he can still put them out. Seungkwan’s hand on his back feels like water. Icarus would have easily drowned in the ocean than burn among the stars.

Seungkwan’s love is loud enough for them both.


End file.
